It's funny how an odor can stir memories and feelings you thought were long buried and forgotten.
Today after lighting our wood stove for the first time this season, the smell of the metal heating and burning off a summer of disuse brought back memories of kids, cold and snow and the happiness they brought so many years ago.
I had forgotten how much I loved my children during that time.
Waking them up in the morning, getting them ready for school, waiting for them to come home in the evening. The laughter and fun of having their friends over to sit at our table and spend the night.
I hadn't realized how much I miss just being a mom.
I wish I could remember those times better, there is so much I have forgotten, due, to the unhappiness I was experiencing at the time. An unhappiness I could have overcome had I been stronger and more willing to face the fact that part of the problem was me.
It's so easy to blame someone else when things go wrong. Your mind can build a strong case in your defense, telling you that you're the victim and completely innocent, while the other person is the sole cause of all of your problems. Who wants to admit to themselves that they have faults and can inflict the same kind of pain they are experiencing onto another? It's easier to lay the blame somewhere else and live with the real truth buried deep inside. The trouble is when we do this, it sickens our soul and over time life becomes almost unbearable.
Each of us has the power to find and release this self-inflicted pain and with work and patience, we can begin to let go of the burden we have carried for so long. Only by taking responsibility for our own mistakes and sharing in the blame will we allow the healing to begin and find that part of ourselves we can love again.
As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~