This is the worst depression I have suffered in a long, long time. No it's not clinical so there is no magic pill I can take to make it all go away, it's just the little (and occasionally large) irritations of life that we let grow and build over time until one day we just kind of implode and collapse under the weight of it all. It's like building a house of cards, if you add one to many the whole thing comes tumbling down.
There have been several unpleasant events over the past few years that have contributed to my present state of mind, most were due to my own poor judgement, but some were beyond my control, things I couldn't change because doing what was honorable and ethical made walking away a non-option.
I guess my house of cards finally reached it's limit. Now I have to figure out how to start picking up all of those fallen cards to rebuild my house. The hard part is finding the positive cards and leaving the negative ones lay. It's not always easy to find the positive in a situation and all too often the negative is hiding or disguised as something we think we need to keep. Negativity is hard to corral, it is smart and cunning and works hard at avoiding our attempt at ridding ourselves of it's hold, making the job of rebuilding our house a substantial challenge.
As I sort through the cards looking for the life I need to rebuild, and the lessons I have learned from this collapse, I'll also seek out those lessons that have somehow slipped by me. Hopefully I'll be able to retrieve them and use them to add strength to my new house, learning as I go. No one ever said life was easy, but sometimes we make it much harder than is necessary. We humans are a sad lot... most of the time serving as our own worst enemies.
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